I don't even know how to feel anymore. I'm in pain,hurt, confused and shocked.
Painful is the way this turned out to be. I brought this upon myself. I don't know but Im blaming myself but also a part of me saying that I wouldn't be that way if nothing changes in him. That changes I tried to dismiss and accept but sometimes he becomes a totally different from the person I come to love. the person I fall in love with. The one who made me feel precious, loved,taken care of and worthy to be loved. He used to made me feel the most wonderful feeling I can't even imagine. He showered me with love,affection,praises. He made me feel wanted.
Hurt. I'm hurt as to the person he'd become. He drifted slowly from me. Environment, peer pressure, attitude or personality that led him to be that way to me,I don't know. I stayed by his side and take it all in even to the point that he's having too much and forgets about me. I tried to give him freedom until the point that Im feeling I'm just a reserve. Issues ate me that left me feeling worthless and paranoid that got me thinking my importance for him is just like a game.
Before I knew him I build a wall to protect myself. I let him pass that wall even it means I'm baring myself again. Because I fall in love with him one day with no questions asked.
I'm a person full of flaws. True. Im entirely made of flaws. He loved that flaws before he sees it as something that completes me but eventually as time goes by he sees it as purely imperfections.
Am I not good enough?
Have I not given enough?
Have I done not enough?
Am I that easy?
Am I that easy to forget?
Am I not worth it?
Am I that imperfect?
Am I that dysfunctional?
Is this my fate?
Am I not worthy to be loved?
Am I that weak?
Is my importance to a person got an expiry date?
Why me?
Why again?
Shocked. I am shocked as eventhough I pleaded it just somehow goes in the air. I pleaded to be heard, I pleaded for a chance, I pleaded for forgiveness. I pleaded for a space in his heart. Am I heard?
I always think this is not him this is not how I knew him. But as days goes by I wanted to believe that thought.
I've been dragged too deep that I don't even know how to pull myself up. I'm really trying but it feels like me is not enough to do so. I don't have the strength anymore to pull myself up. I can't grasp my own heart. It felt like it died.
What am I going to do?
I'm asking myself if he somehow miss me like I miss him
I'm asking myself does he need me like I need him
I'm asking myself does he ever think of me like I think of him
I'm asking myself if I still meant something to him like he mean something to me
Does he still love me?
