Broken Beyond Repair

At this point, I can't think of anything that can fix me. I am so broken in so many ways. I've been shattered again but this time I'm scattered into million pieces.

I don't even know how to feel anymore. I'm in pain,hurt, confused and shocked. 

Painful is the way this turned out to be. I brought this upon myself. I don't know but Im blaming myself but also a part of me saying that I wouldn't be that way if nothing changes in him. That changes I tried to dismiss and accept but sometimes he becomes a totally different from the person I come to love. the person I fall in love with. The one who made me feel precious, loved,taken care of and worthy to be loved. He used to made me feel the most wonderful feeling I can't even imagine. He showered me with love,affection,praises. He made me feel wanted.

Hurt. I'm hurt as to the person he'd become. He drifted slowly from me. Environment,  peer pressure, attitude or personality that led him to be that way to me,I don't know. I stayed by his side and take it all in even to the point that he's having too much and forgets about me. I tried to give him freedom until the point that Im feeling I'm just a reserve.  Issues ate me that left me feeling worthless and paranoid that got me thinking my importance for him is just like a game.

Before I knew him I build a wall to protect myself. I let him pass that wall even it means I'm baring myself again. Because I fall in love with him one day with no questions asked.

I'm a person full of flaws. True. Im  entirely made of flaws. He loved that flaws before he sees it as something that completes me but eventually as time goes by he sees it as purely imperfections. 

Am I not good enough? 

Have I not given enough?

Have I done not enough?

Am I that easy? 

Am I that easy to forget?

Am I not worth it?

Am I that imperfect?

Am I that dysfunctional? 

Is this my fate?

Am I not worthy to be loved?

Am I that weak?

Is my importance to a person got an expiry date?

Why me?

Why again?

Shocked.  I am shocked as eventhough I pleaded it just somehow goes in the air. I pleaded to be heard, I pleaded for a chance, I pleaded for forgiveness. I pleaded for a space in his heart. Am I heard?

I always think this is not him this is not how I knew him. But as days goes by I wanted to believe that thought. 

I've been dragged too deep that I don't even know how to pull myself up. I'm really trying but it feels like me is not enough to do so. I don't have the strength anymore to pull myself up. I can't grasp my own heart. It felt like it died.

What am I going to do?

I'm asking myself if he somehow miss me like I miss him

I'm asking myself does he need me like I need him

I'm asking myself does he ever think of me like I think of him

I'm asking myself if I still meant something to him like he mean something to me

Does he still love me?

drowning in my thoughts..

soon

Before : work, work, work...  books, books, books... eat, eat, eat... sleep, sleep, sleep... happy happy happy.. = Normal flow.

Now : stress, stress, stress... pressure, pressure, pressure... thinking, thinking, thinking... happier, happier, happier = Loosing my mind.

ass crack mind of mine..

Our story goes.. escalated into something more. clearly we enjoyed each others company,considered each other's presence as sunshine through a gloomy day..

At first we knew its strictly platonic,as both of us was not into commitments and complications at that moment. But then, every minute and every second that we're together , the platonic part gets blurry.

Me, as a girl who's afraid of people entering into her life and would ruin it all of a sudden.

I have dealt with this situation before and i call it "Hell". You had let someone to have a say in every aspect of your life, then suddenly without something just left you. Composing oneself is harder than dealing with any work issues and pressures.

I've told myself that i wont go have this thing again with anyone. I can play but I wont be attached. But then one day something "CHANGED".

I have let you in, inch by inch, slowly by slowly. But just like what I've feared of. Complications came. I know I'm difficult to deal with, I'm different. I want others to accept me for who I really am or what I've become.

He accepted me the way I am and want something more. He even want to break into my issues without so much questions asked. 

I'm confused. I know not all things need a lot of thinking and not to evaluate every bits of it.

As of now i'm sure i don't want him to go. But I don't know if i can give more. 

I'm willing to try harder and work out the differences. Let's see..

On The Other Side

I have been low for the past few years. A girl with not much but work going on with her life. Life for her is like a static radio station that only old people will have the guts to listen to. Everyday seems to be an ordinary day, until the day she stumbles to a post that enthralls her just like a toddler eyeing an expensive toy. It touched me in such a way that i cant explain. Its like a song on a repeat mode.

Days had passed and still thinking if i should give credit to the poster. And yes I did, my mind and my hand brought me in creating a new account just to reply to the poster. I don't know anything about this particular poster other than what he portrays in his post.

Even though i'm like a girl going for something with nothing but a new mail account, I still go for it. Replied his post telling how did it intrigued me. Luckily and fast enough the poster acknowledge the credits. And then it started.

Days and Week had passed, we're still somehow in constant conversation, dissecting each others personality, little by little.

Sudden turn, we decided to meet each other. The feeling was like you're going in a prom , excited to meet your partner, whom you don't even know because its gonna be by height selection. Simply as me, i went to the meeting place, nearer and nearer to meeting him the more i feel like i want to shit out of nervousness.

Unexpectedly, i have met him on the other side of the road with the little rain pouring. ahuh! our very first meeting point. I said hey and you said hi! . I didn't quite pictured that he is different from the way i used to imagine, don't get me wrong, but still in a good way. 

Had a good and fun day with him, never failing to listen to every single word that i say. From that day, i know he is far from what i should be seeking. But no regrets meeting him because I know " HE IS WHAT HE IS", like "ME being ME"....